I'm laying here feeling like Rev Run at the end of an episode of Run's House (where he types up a motivational diary/journal entry from his bath tub--for those that didn't know). And I can't help but reflect. So many things are running through my mind right now. It's been years since I've allowed myself to unwind. Can you believe that?
Anyway, I feel like rambling off some thoughts so here it goes.
Thinking back on the early early early years of my life, I can't believe who I was. I was a pushover. I was bullied. Yes--punched and kicked on the playground every. Single. Day. By, apparently, two boys that "liked" me and thought that was a good way to show me some attention. The worst part was that I let it happen. I had no voice when it came to my opinions, my friends, not even a voice to stand up for myself!! You'd think that someone beating it out of me would do the trick. Nope. I was the only child and I felt completely lost and alone. There was no way that I would've ever spoken up for myself. I let other people be right ALL THE TIME, even if I knew I was right. I remember feeling so bad for the "nerdy" ones in my class because they were always picked on, laughed at, and no one ever wanted to play with them. I so badly wanted to be their advocate, but I wasn't. I prayed to God that they would end up somewhere AMAZING doing AMAZING things. I just wanted them to be bigger and better and not end up lonely and depressed. And yet I said nothing. I didn't feel like I had anything valuable to say. I didn't think I could help them. And today I can say, it is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you don't have a voice.
That attitude translated into my friendships, group work, and so on and so forth, and it lasted all the way through my sophomore year of high school.
Then one day, someone had faith in me. A few people did, actually. And they told me they thought I should command my drill team my senior year of high school.
WHAT. No. There was nooo way. You want the girl that can't step up to anyone to lead an award-winning, highly respected, AFJROTC drill team?? And be loud and mean and aggressive? Pshhhyeah right.
That was my original answer. It turned out by the time I was 16, I had talked myself into believing that I was not important, not worthy of anything, invaluable, and incapable of doing anything more than my daily routine. After giving it some thought, I said yes, and it changed my life completely.
Stepping into a leadership position that young put me way out of my comfort zone. I felt SO vulnerable and SO exposed. I had to make decisions, lead a team full of my friends--friends that were used to me being passive and saying "yes" all the time. I had to change to gain respect, which is the only way I would succeed. It was the hardest but most liberating thing I've ever experienced.
So I started by changing my thoughts and working on my inner voice. I was tasked with having to teach, keep order, motivate, help, advocate, recruit, and all in all move this team forward (btw, drill team was huge in my high school). Therefore I had to speak to myself. So here's what I had to ask/tell myself:
1. What's there to lose?
2. Who cares what other people think?
3. What's the worst that could happen?
4. People believe in you, now you have to believe in yourself.
5. People are depending on you, so unless you get over your pride, you will continue to hold yourself back and you will fail.
That last one hit me hard. I realized I could turn this into something really good or just take the easy way out and fall flat on my face. Then it came down to execution--ain't nothin to it but to do it. So I did. And at times I felt like a FOOL. But I got over my pride and it started to feel good. I was actually motivating people. I received a standing ovation from a class of new recruits because of my "speech". People started asking me to "say a few words" at various events. The girl that couldn't speak a word about anything became the girl that everyone wanted to listen to, and all it took was a little discomfort and vulnerability to bring out my inner strength. Isn't that amazing--how letting go of your pride can actually HELP your confidence?
It was at that time that I learned how strong my voice really was. I learned that I could use it to help people, and to speak life into people. I started giving myself credit for good ideas that came to mind. It boosted my confidence and allowed me to trust myself--I trusted that my ideas were good, I really was intelligent, and I really did have a choice.
If anyone that's reading this feels the same way, or feels similar, I challenge you to try something different tomorrow. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone. Facilitate a meeting. Confront an opposing opinion. Act on an idea that you've been holding back because of your fear of failing or feeling like it's not good enough. Be an advocate for someone. Share your thoughts on something. Share your thoughts on this blog post! :) But before you speak to anyone, speak to yourself. Remind yourself that you are able and important and valuable in so many ways. Your inner voice is your strongest voice, and before you can convince anyone, you have to convince yourself first. I now believe that you really don't know yourself until you are put in a position to find yourself. What happens to a tea bag when put in hot water? All of its flavors come out. Allow yourself to grow and I promise you, you will.
Speaking of hot water, this bath is starting to feel like a sauna now. :p
Have a good night and as always, thanks for reading.
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